It's a place yet not a place, for you will not find it in any map or signs
And it is said that you shall not find it if you seek for it , but it will find you when your need is great enough
It's a place where one finds more questions, and sometimes, answers...

AND NOW! for the more serious (or just less gay compared to stong, all people pale in comparison:D) stuff, im going to blog about mai niu year.

today has to be the most tiring day for me. i swear, every time wednessday comes around i lose 1kg just being in school. in the mornings, we have voice and posture training for drama before school starts. then PE, running/train for 2.4 km. usually by the time PE ends and we change out, there isnt much time left so i usually dont go for recess, but just starve in class D: AND THEN. lunch time. on wednessday, we have TPC/assembly before dismissal, so once again the stupid school drags until like 2:15pm. CCA for drama starts at 2:30, and you dont wanna be late and face the ramanator (our drama instructor from hell/), so once again NO TIME FOR FOOD. gosh, the only solid meal i get is dinner )':


i think this new year was a good one, in the sense that i finally got to go back to penang!:D i havent gone back for new year since i was eight. the house and my grandparents are still the same, though i think i got to know them a lil better from this trip(:

during the new year, we stayed at my grandma's house (my penang grandparents are estranged). its a Semi-D, think a little like Landed property just that its connected to the neighbour's by an alley at the back, which my aunt and her family of 5 stays.

the house on our side is empty and quiet, now that all the children have grown up and moved out. its just my grandma and her maid. my aunt comes over every now and then to help clean, talk and give her food. but then my grandma isnt very talkative either. not after what happened between her and my grandpa. she doesnt eat much, but watches TV most of the time. infact, its all ive ever seen her do, watch chinese soaps or stare off into her world.

In the house, theres a winding staircase from the uppermost floors which are the bedrooms down to the kitchen& dining room, then the garden, the basement and the carpark. somehow the garden is on the second floor, along with the rusty white swing. the walls are mostly white. the floor is white. the ceilings are dark with shaddows and dust, cos the yellow lamps dont really reach hard enough to brighten whats there. the house is old, yet it feels really comforting, steady, eternal. theres nothing to do on the hot afternoons but lie back and listen to the continuous whop-whop of ceiling fans, praying for a breeze to lift the thin curtains.

i guess going back to my house was really a break from school life. school is really so hectic now, even though its barely been three weeks for us sec 4s. they gave us another "pep talk" today, and told us that we better do well. actually, i suspect its just the principal being all nagging cos we're her first batch of Olvl students to graduate under her. and no offence meant to anyone, but i dont think my year is that fantastic. compared to last year's POWER batch i mean. last year we had the top scholars for the mother tongues. the stupid newspapers even came to our school to interview them. but thats not really the point...

i think really stressed out about o levels right now. i dont think the stupid talked helped much DX! D: sigh. on the other hand, i feel just depressed): which brings me to...

moving to malaysia. which is really a choice i dont want to consider... until now. my cousin just told me that theres a new college in malaysia, its a little like the IB programme in the sense that its also run by foreigners, its english based (thank god). if you do well enough, you can jump straight to harvard or browns or some other university after graduating. its fees are in RINGGIT, so like its almost half the cost of education even if i get into ACSIB.

at the end of this year, i'll be going back (after O levels) to take another entrance test. if i cant get into anything i like here, i'll be going to live in penang to study at this school, i guess:/ i really dont want to go, i cant bear leave all my friends and church behind. its just that lately it seems like my whole life just revolves around marks, school, education, how well you do, and in this eliteist society called singapore, theres really no place for anyone else. hmmm, maybe thats why so many of the talents seem to leave... hahah. im so depressed and yet in denial about how i feel now cos im trying to cheer joey up, whos in a REALLY WORSE state than me D8
(yes, its possible xuannie.)



------xxx-------


Hug me till you drug me honey
Kiss me till im in a coma
Hug me honey, snuggly bunny
Love's as good as SOMA.
-Brave New World, 1894.