Sunday, January 18, 2009
♥ 12:02 AM
this is really emo rant,
JOEY IS BANNED FROM READING IT COS SHES CURRENTLY EMO TOO.
I dont really know who reads my blog anymore, so i cant set specific censorship or wtv.. this is for those who think i have a perfect life, you pretty much know who you are la(:
this was written a while ago, i half-mashed up my keyboard when typing it but im recovered now. i didnt really want to post it cos i know this kind of rants are rather pointless and will probably invite trouble. so, please refrain from replying with sympathetic / sarcastic comments, unless you have truely sincere words or some kind of wisdom to help me thru this. (:
I AM SO UTTERLY ANGRY AND HATING MY FAMILY RIGHT NOW. except for oli and clifford. but yes apart from them,
I AM SICK OF ALL OF THEM. ESPECIALLY GEN.
I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY SHE HAS TO BE SO MEAN TO ME, WHY SHE HAS TO RAT ME OUT TO MY MOM. LIKE YTD, I WAS FRICKING HELPING HER WITH HER STUPID MATH AND LIT HOMEWORK, AND WHY SHE CANT BLOODY EVEN LEND ME OLI'S E-DICTIONARY FOR 15 MIN. ITS NOT EVEN HERS, AND SHES NOT EVEN USING IT UNTIL SCHOOL STARTS. WHAT IS HER BLOODY PROBLEM?!!! AND THEN ON SUNDAY, SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO GO EARLY WITH YIXUAN COS "actually, i have things i want to talk to yixuanwithout you being there. that's all."
SO OKAY, I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT. THERES TIMES WHEN I NEED PRIVACY TOO. SO, IN THE END I WENT WITH JUSTIN AND JARRAD IN HIS CAR. BUT THEN LATER TODAY AT KAP, I FIND OUT FROM YIXUAN HERSELF THAT 'oh gen? in the end she was just reading her book! she didnt even tell me anything secretive or what... and if you had told me, i'll let you come, even if gen says no."
LIKE WHAT THE FUCK!? BUT IM NOT EVEN GOING TO BOTHER TALK TO GEN, ITS NOT LIKE SHE'LL BE ABLE TO EXPLAIN.
AND. I KNOW I LIE TO MY MOM ITS JUST TO SHUT HER UP. ITS NOT RIGHT, BUT I HAVE NOTHING LEFT. I HAVE DECIDED A LONG TIME AGO NOT TO CARE, COS THEY DONT REALLY CARE MUCH FOR ME ANYWAY. "all your dad and i want is to see is you getting into a good JC!" NOT LIKE "OHH, HOW WAS SCHOOL? IS CHEM HARD? I HEARD YOUR CHEM TEACHER SUCKS, I CAN WRITE A LETTER TO COMPLAIN IF THEYRE NOT DOING THEIR JOB! " which is what joeys mom once said.
I AM SO SICK OF HER AND MY DAD HOUNDING ME FOR EVERYTHING, ALL THEY EVER DO IS "why cant you study harder? so stressed? who ask you never work harder?!!?" I HATE THEM. I HATE THEM ALL!!!! I WISH I DIDNT HAVE TO HATE THEM. I WANT TO HONOUR MY PARENTS TOO,
BUT THEN IT SEEMS THEY MAKE IT SO HARD TO! I AM JUST A HUMAN. I AVOID ARGUEING WITH MY MOM TO THE POINT THAT I JUST AGREE WITH ALL HER NAGGINGS, SCOLDINGS, POINTLESS BLAMINGS AND ACCUSATIONS "why cant you and gen come down earlier?! its your responsibility to CALL YOUR YOUNGER SISTER AND ARRANGE WITH HER!!!" .. even when she has no reception cos shes in the library, or like "CAN YOU GIVE IN TO YOUR YOUNGER SISTER? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE OLDER AND MORE MATURE!! JUST LET HER HAVE THAT BOOK/SEAT/FUCKING NEW PHONE!!" go ahead. blame it on me.
i've decided that its rather pointless and ineffective to argue with them. so, i let them scream until they have no blood and energy left, then i'll just go wait in my room and cry until i feel better. it used to hurt, and i would just call joey or feel like commiting suicide. but in the end, i decide to NOT let it affect me. i dont want to be suicidal or run away, not until i find a proper shelter or foster home first. it has been like that for so long, ive learn to shut out most of my feelings already, so it doesnt hurt as much. im not an emo kid, i dont cut/ starve / mutilate myself or write apocalyptic poetry. i just sigh and go back to doing chinese or some other thing. the only drawback about being ATTENTIVE BLANK is that sometimes you can be heartless (eg, watching a horror movie like The Exorcist but thinking that the victim's mutilated arm frankly does looks like food,) only to reallise it about 3 seconds later.. its creepy.
at this point, ive got to apologise to dear jjang and some other people for being so brutal sometimes. i guess this afferent attitude is usually its reflected in my cynical outlook on life. around people im not that close to (aka most of my classmates except jjangers) im often hopelessly nice and sweet, and the teachers all go "awwww" and "what a delightful and charming girl! " (yes laolao said that in chinese). but then when im with jjang or other close friends (in church), they see a totally different side of me that only comes out when im hugging my pillows before i sleep, just reflecting on my life.. hahah. theres alot i dont tell, and alot MOST people dont know. im afraid of putting my trust in people):
okay, im sorry i had to let all this out here. i dont care who you are, what you write back or how happy you feel reading this (suo weit de, you xie ren zhen shi xing huo le zai). whatever. mistake, time and experience are unforgiving but powerful teachers. i will be concentrating on my studies even harder while learning to avoid stalkers, backstabbers in my life and other people who are just jealous. (:
-deep breath-
TOODLES, EVERYONE. LOVE,
valerie.
