today has got to be the worst day in like, a whole string of days. im supposed to be feeling all gay and sprightly now that my tests are [for now] over... but no. instead, i was told "... posted something that was really quite hurtful to all of us, so i took it down, but i needed to tell you because she kind of accused you in it. i removed it to save you from getting any emotional trauma or whatever, but i need to know if you want to see it. this is for your own good. if you think you'd benefit from seeing it i'll send it to you, but you need to know it was really quite bad. and from my point of view she was being very, very selfish." i dont know either, rach. thanks for protecting me from the hurt:/

sigh. i dont really need to see it now, im feeling just about breakdown level now.
i dont know why -someone- would do something like that. i will be ask rachy for the post... but i dont know when): im going out with rach and mr ong for art tmr, he's bringing us to an art gallery. i was really excited about tmr but now all i can do is cry. im just so dissapointed. life is burying me with problems and it just... it really kills you, you know. i dont normally feel that much pain anymore cos i usually block this shit out. but then, jjang is something i really really really care about. when rachy said, I KNOW, WE SHOULD JUST DISBAND i really really cried. jjang is pretty much the most important thing that's happened to me for a long long time. i find it really hard to trust people, because most of the new friends just let me down. so i quietly let them go. but i treasure the friendships i have with jjang, esp since ive known you guys all long enough to see your problems and hurts and go through enough rough patches together too. i havent cried so much in a long time. i dont know why. im so angry at -someone- now. everythings in such a mess. i'll say i feel betrayed but i dont even know how.

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well okay, thank god for matthew ;-; who by some miracle just called. he's really really really my best, most ossum guy friend, cos we actually can trust each other(: well sorta mostly, still cant trust him to be sensible... hahaha. but we've known each other for a pretty long time too, so i guess only time can build these sort of things. well thanks for telling me all that emo and poetry and rock and sarcasm and lame jokes to cheer me up... im actually feeling better. you and your singing and your lameness... REMEMBER YOUR PROMISE AT EIGHTEEN! sigh, whatever shall i do with you D:

...its really through the trials that you know who your true friends are(:

well. im going to try to sort out all this problems with a cold heart tmr. i really dont want to break down in school. i dont know what will happen then. im just holding out till sunday... when i'll receive my hugs and God's blessing. maybe this is just a trial. today was my first day of fasting for this week. everything becomes thrice as hard when you fast because you're just emotionally and physically weak. i couldnt think straight, except about food and resisting it. drama in the canteen with the GB girls was just a torture because they HAD SUCH AN ABUNDANCE OF DELICIOUS-SMELLING FOOD... sigh. i just have to learn to rely even more on God's strength and protection. i wish i could say that i'll be okay... but i really dont know.

emotions are what makes a person perfect. yes, i'll try to remember that... though havent we all already drifted into a dystopic society that we are today?