Sunday, May 17, 2009
♥ 3:42 AM
ahhhh... my head is exploding, partly cos of pearlala's stupid confession:D
expected. but still. my head is ringing and that's really NOT good at 1 am! D8
i think i'll go rant at jiahao. heehee. lately, he's just so patient with me... hahah. i love having an older brother!:D he's kind of funny in a mr ong way, its kind of endearing.... ahh. hahaha. to think im so mean to him.
he was so nice ytd anw, after i was done ranting about how sucky amath was, he pretty much convinced me amath is worth forgetting:D lulz. then he changed the topic to some other random shiz, but it felt better la (:
i dont know what to do.
im suddenly so depressed... maybe its the soft songs.
i cant bear having my friends hurt, after... megan.
it just. reaches me, even though i dont want it.
i dont know her personally.
but how can i just shut myself down?
there's no way to run, or to turn away from the world and it overwhelms me.
laugh for what we've gotdumb with what we faceshattered with what we've lostparalyzed with what we might...another speaks.
the girl was stupid to jump. she doesnt appreciate life. you havent seen your own parents try to commit suicide in front of you.you havent faced enough hurts in this world. we are all strong enough to overcome ANYTHING...only you've choose not to. you fool, why throw away what was so good? enjoy living. enjoy breathing. your existence is a fight against your circumstance. when you choose to give up, who really wins? did you solve your problem? even make it a fraction better? you just hurt all around you immeasurably, why, why, why...
sometimes im angry at god. for not being there. why didnt he catch us as we fell? didnt he say he'd be there for us? i hate this. i know he exists... only sometimes i feel he isnt there for me. or this terrible world.Where were you when everything was falling apart?All my days were spent by the telephone that never rangAnd all I needed was a call that never cameTo the corner of 1st and Amistad
and the irony of praying for more faith is like fighting for peace.
they dont make sense. i WANT to love him, believe, talk to him, and have him in my heart. but right now my heart's just filled with confusions and distaste. how does god allow such cruel things to happen?
i cant find an explanation that satisfies me. this isnt just. and no matter how we fight..
i cant give up, but its just so crushingly hopeless at the same time. i want to have faith, believe, but i cant bring myself to trust him somehow. after all that's happened, not just to me, but to those i care about. why i cant stop asking that. but then i know, 'who am i to question God? by creating me, he has already done more than he needs to for me, to give me the privilledge to exist...'
i know he exists, because of my life alone, because of the miracles of life itself around me. the trees breathe, the wind moves, from thousands of miles away the sun still warms my skin and i smile to myself... only i still feel betrayed, by the times where somehow, i selfishly didnt get my way, or the time wasnt right, but somehow i still dont understand how this fits into His plan. why. so many questions which probably dont matter.
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you? Just a little late, you found me, you found me
im trying to find it in my heart to trust and love him again. it was so easy, when times were different back then. i never questioned or felt anything because as kids, i was shielded from it. but now, not anymore... things change. you loose that which you love. Im doing my best to trust and love him. But it might not work out. Because I love somebody I don’t trust anymore, ive lost all faith in myself. Its like when parents abuse their children. Kids lose their trust in the parents they love, but still accept them, so they end up not trusting themselves anymore.it just hurts to see others suffer,
and you feel so helpless knowing there's pretty much nothing you can do.
ahhhh... my head is exploding, partly cos of pearlala's stupid confession:D