this is probably another round of confounded spiritual attacks.

recently, ive been feeling really ... depressed, to say the least. its not the kind that arises out of stress and school. this is the unexplainable gloom that sort ... of gloomies around you? gahh! HOW TO SAY!! O: its not something that i'd like you to experience anyway so i wont bother detailing. [okay. if you're harry potter this would be a dementor to you.]

still, ive been feeling spiritually tired. besides the whole krystle episode, ive just been having really morbid and upsetting thoughts. like, what if Our God isnt really the Real one? you know, things like what if the Allah that the muslims are so insistent about is the Real one?? D: oh gosh, i cant bear imagine.

while there has never been a question that God is very real to me, what if... 'He isnt be there for me? can i put my trust in him, without worrying that it'll be broken?' ...nghhh. perhaps this arises out a rather dark period in my life, where i felt God wasnt there for me at all. i was going through trouble, but i felt God simply wasnt around then, and all his promises for me just weren't coming through. and then i grouched, 'who are we to hold him accountable anyway? its not like we can just march up to an Almighty and demand he be fair, if he doesnt feel like being fair then its like 'SO???? WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT ANYWAY, HUH?" nothing, really. '





)':

actually, i think i still feel hurt over that, although now i reallise that its just yet another lesson for me to learn. lessons are always painful, but even I understand that God is more concerned for our character than just our comfort. (thank goodness though. or we'd all be wimps. EEEYUR! ) but its still a bitter pill to swallow. i guess im just having one of those ranty moods where i rant. and complain and basically be a childish nightmare. though... -God just loves to do this to me- everytime i complain, he'll send me a message EXACTLY fit for what im going thru, through pastor's sermons or cg or sometimes even secular songs or library literature. somehow the message i pick up will be EXACTLY TO COUNTER ME for it! :D hahahaha. its dryly humourous, i guess. no surprise, today's cg message was about

-BEING A MATURE BELIEVER.

HA HA. i telll you our God has his sense of humor:D so anyway, it felt like a light slap on the hand. i hope i'll wake up.


one thing i must mention though. i know ive been complaining that i wanna change cg, but that im just not growing in this cg. there's no one whos around to mentor me! i mean, HELLO. angel is never there for me! and gerald? im not going to... nah let's face it, im just not gonna. its strange to suddenly pour my questions over him when i hardly talk to him (nope, nothing personal, we just...dont? heh. :) who else is in the cg that has been around church for as long or are as mature+seasoned as them?
but two people came to me today with answers to this.

first was yixuan. (how unlikely, hahaha. we usually just amuse ourselves being creepy) while we were hanging out at KAP, i started telling her about the Krystle thing and about changing cgs. then she told me that actually, she wouldnt really come with me! which is mildly surprising cos last time, she was the one who suggested it first(; she pointed out that hey, what is the cg gonna fall to if we both leave? erm no offence, but gerald and jarrad are rather incapacitated at the moment, (NO NOT THE HEADLESS ONE! THE OTHER ONE, BEING INCAPABLE! dumbass.) and mao is under house arrest or something H1N1-ish.

actually, there's nothing to stop us from walking away... but our conscience. pft. which is both the smallest and biggest thing!!
RAAAAAH!!
(i'll think more and update later.)

second was jiahao! he's taking his A levels in HWA CHONG OMG this year. yeah apart from the prejudice against his school... surprise surprise. i dont think most people know i talk to him online, it hardly shows does it? (well now you know! :D) he just started talking to me randomly, and since we've kind of clicked really well. huh. he's hopeless and smart at the same time! contrary to what isaac thinks- ('sexbomb.' HAHAHA. IRONY MAN!! isaac is just horny.) its reallly rare you meet that side of people.

breaking blocks and wrecking rocks. says:
okie no prob.
i shall be logging off if there're no further issues.
remember:
1. logging off = chopping wood and
2. pusillanimous= frightened even of taking small risks
k got random the Great Vermicious Knid says:
HAHAHAHA!
IS THAT REAL?!
pu-sill-ani-mous.
HAHAHA
SEXY WHOA. breaking blocks and wrecking rocks. says:
2 is real.
its in the dictionary. the Great Vermicious Knid says:
powaaah!
((((:
anyway, GBU THEN!
i need to do amath -.- breaking blocks and wrecking rocks. says:
whats gbu? the Great Vermicious Knid says:
its god bless you.(: breaking blocks and wrecking rocks. says:
game boy upgraded?
haha ok yah the Great Vermicious Knid says:
HAHAHA. NICE TRY.

ta-daaah! my retarded older brother. (yes we've adopted him, AHAHA.)

but anyway, talking to him made me reallise that... YEAH, I DO HAVE SOMEONE WHOS GUIDING ME - HIM! while he's not in my cg, that doesnt mean he cant be my spiritual mentor. i guess? (yes too bad.) hahaha. it seems like everytime we talk, its not small talk but deeper stuff about life. he always has an encouraging word for me, or really powerful verses from the bible. he's different from other people who just scream rainbows and hot guys but not much else. its... kind of refreshing! (:

i was just telling him about my mental unhappiness and some other questions about spiritual attacks. and he told me,
"...record romans 8:28 which is quite useful i think,
like someguy who prayed 4 me said b4 that
a spirit is something you cannot consciously get out of and just recurs,
whereas a mind thing is sth you can take control of."

gaaah. well at least i have half a control over my mind. let's not hope its a bloody spirit. o_o indeed... the greatest battlefield is that of the mind. anyway, other verses we were talking about - Matthew 18:10, romans 8:28, romans 8:25, psalm 34:7. im putting psalm 34:7 here, cos i feel its esp soothing... in the light of schl starting anw. -.-

7. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.
8, Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
9, Fear the lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack NOTHING.
10, the lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who SEEK THE LORD lack no good thing!

isnt it everything we could ask for? i could just be a woolly sheep and roll around in God's green fields forever after i get to heaven!! hahaha.

am i being preachy and rambly? yes i think im digressing!:D ahhh! but i cant stop myself this time, its like when you feel God's talking to you you just cant wait to tell everyone else! it flows naturally, like telling yixuan about my latest hankyung stalking activities or sth. you know, that kind of excitement? i guess this is like Really Holy Gossiping about the bible! hahaha. i wonder what God will say about that when i tell Him! 'tsk! val i know you love me, but you are such a bimbo at times.'

hahahaha.

WELL OKAY, NOTHING LEFT TO SAY SO
YAYERS NOW I WILL DO MORE AMATH.

oh& for linghui - see MATTHEW 10:19-20!
ITS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED, DEAR, ABOUT KYM(;



dreaming vanilla and nightmares.