Sunday, August 23, 2009
♥ 9:24 PM
just when i thought i could have a little respite..
hell.
why do i even hope.
you wanna know what plagues me, when im alone at night, trying to sleep in the dark?!!!
imagine you are on huge, magnificent cruise liner, silently gleaming, lights ablaze, like a jewel in the dark. its sailing in the middle of the atlantic, all you see are endless blues. you think its surreal, so peaceful, there's nothing that can get you out here...
when it strikes you. there is NOTHING. no one. you're alone on a ship in the middle of vast nothingness. suddenly, you reallise that something's wrong with the ship! its tilting to its side. no, its sinking. it is going down. you see the windows on one side slowly submerging below the dark water. the lights start to flicker and then the lower levels go out in sections. you rush madly to the port, then starboard. as the ships sinks lower you find yourself trapped on the stern next to the masthead, the highest point left as the deck starts flooding.
there is not a soul on the huge silent ship except for you. there is no other light or ship in the surrounding miles of darkness, no where you can swim to. as the ship begans to break apart, you're forced to watch its lights dissapear bit by bit, feel the metal groan and buckle beneath as the weight of the water crushes more of it. you've got no where to run. you cant swim forever. jumping off is not an option. agonizingly slowly, you're being forced to watch yourself drown, trapped on a ship in a nightmare you cannot wake from.
that is how i feel. you forget its there, on a bright noisy day. but when youre alone at night... life is one huge oceanliner, and im stuck on it. pretty though it be, its full of flaws which let in water. (i cant run) and i cant even kill myself cos i dont wanna jump off into the sea of hell. its as if obligation ties me to stay on the ship. i cannot run from this life. all i do is conjure more illusions that the ship isnt sinking and im on land afterall..
but we're going down and i cant stop the feeling. the holes in this ship are irreparable events that i cannot control, as more of my dearest friends drift off to the deep, unreachably gone, and as the few i have left get hurt by the icy waters. i cant protect them, so i force my face into a pleasant lie and hope my misery will not add to theirs.
after today though, life has just gotten more cruel. i used to think that if i were to watch myself drown, i could at least buy time in my dreams and keep squeezing a few more weeks, telling myself i'd be strong. but now, i have an exact date when my life will end. On that day, i'll loose reason to struggle, after im sure ive lost everyone dear.
I will let go of that ghost ship, and find eternal rest in the Elysium on Earth, beneath the cold waves where the ice bites but covers and no one needs to feel anything.
just when i thought i could have a little respite..
when it strikes you. there is NOTHING. no one. you're alone on a ship in the middle of vast nothingness. suddenly, you reallise that something's wrong with the ship! its tilting to its side. no, its sinking. it is going down. you see the windows on one side slowly submerging below the dark water. the lights start to flicker and then the lower levels go out in sections. you rush madly to the port, then starboard. as the ships sinks lower you find yourself trapped on the stern next to the masthead, the highest point left as the deck starts flooding.
that is how i feel. you forget its there, on a bright noisy day. but when youre alone at night... life is one huge oceanliner, and im stuck on it. pretty though it be, its full of flaws which let in water. (i cant run) and i cant even kill myself cos i dont wanna jump off into the sea of hell. its as if obligation ties me to stay on the ship. i cannot run from this life. all i do is conjure more illusions that the ship isnt sinking and im on land afterall.. but we're going down and i cant stop the feeling. the holes in this ship are irreparable events that i cannot control, as more of my dearest friends drift off to the deep, unreachably gone, and as the few i have left get hurt by the icy waters. i cant protect them, so i force my face into a pleasant lie and hope my misery will not add to theirs.
after today though, life has just gotten more cruel. i used to think that if i were to watch myself drown, i could at least buy time in my dreams and keep squeezing a few more weeks, telling myself i'd be strong. but now, i have an exact date when my life will end. On that day, i'll loose reason to struggle, after im sure ive lost everyone dear.